A Lost Love

It’s been so long since I could enjoy you, so long since you’ve taken me in your open, warm arms. I should have never taken you for granted all those years that we were together. It was so blissful then, but I suppose everything looks more beautiful in hindsight. I wish we could know each other the way we used to. My heart aches for you. How long can we be separated for?

We were meant for each other. I was built for you to recover me, for you to calm my mind and ease my body’s aches. Do you miss me the way I yearn for you? You are my daydreams, my escape, the one I look to at night. I’ve learned that all along I have loved you, even when I thought I barely needed you. Even when I put you off and made you seem less important, even an afterthought or a bother. I fear I betrayed you then. I never want to neglect you again. You recharge me, give me stamina, give me peace, set me at ease. How could I ever get through each day without you in it? I wish you could come back to me. I wish we could relish in each other’s presence. I’ll never forget you. I’ll always need you.

But, because I feel this way, I must be the one to tell you. As long as you are away I will miss you. But now, my treasure, I cannot have you. I can only dream of what we once had.

It’s nothing you did. You have always waited for me. You held up your end. And I know, when I am ready you will take me back.

We cannot be together because I have fallen in love. The greatest love I’ve ever known. A love so pure and perfect. It’s this love that keeps me from you. But soon…soon we can reunite. You will still be what you used to be for me. But I can never put you first again. I know you will forgive me. One day I will just stumble upon you and realize you were there, patiently waiting all along. But for now, my new love wins my heart. And though she does, I miss you still… my precious sleep.

The New One

There is a rocking chair in our living room. I’ve been spending a lot of time there lately. A few nights ago we put up our little plug-it-in 3 ½ foot Christmas tree and the lights dazzled my blurry eyes as I snuggled my baby girl back to sleep at a few ‘til 5 am. Life has changed so much for me. I love the unpaved road and “Caution Ahead” signs everywhere. Maybe even a few “Slow Speed In Construction Area” ones. The sliding glass door holds back the wind but not the chill so Norah buries her face in my shoulder, her little legs wiggle at the bottom of her sleep sack. I feel the rise and fall of her chest on mine, the softness of her cheek and temple with my cheek. I listen to her tiny breath. I spend so many wonderful moments helping her back to sleep. She is the light inside of me, making me overjoyed to wade through anything because I can carry her through. Before I was an outline. Papa connected the dots. But Norah...she fills me with color. She gave me a wholeness I never knew was missing.

Do not underestimate yourself as a mother.

Give her everything you have inside of you.

Confess. Ask for forgiveness.

Forgive yourself.

She can remember you smiling often if only you do smile often.

You are already teaching her what it is to be a good woman, a good wife, and a good mother.

Be brave.

Send your fears, send your worries, send your anger up to Papa.

Remember that you forgave yourself.

Look up to her. She is innocent, pure, and good.

Look forward and daydream too. But cherish right now constantly. Each is a once only moment.

It'll be okay. It'll even be great.