The Truth No One Can Handle

Maybe just a few of you will understand this. But most of you will judge. Maybe those of you who’ve done it and see the light and the glory and have gotten back to a regular sleeping and eating schedule can kind of remember. But to tell you the truth, like any other heavy job, you can’t know unless you are in it NOW. If you did the job, and you’re done now, even if you do something similar, it’s not the same. It doesn’t help us to say, “ I remember that, that was hard!” or “Hang in there, it’ll get better” or “Just wait until they are teenagers!”. Are you kidding me?! These all make you feel better but do nothing for us. Truth. It’s pretty and poetic and supposed to do something. You’ve taken this sweet dream we have of a time when we can be ourselves again, have a marriage again, sleep again, eat food when we NEED to, and pursue our passions again, and smashed them… and for the sake of…?! Of course that’s not your intention. You want to encourage. Honestly, and please hear me, actions are more. Actions of encouragement take effort, something that’s easy to feel like we are doing the most of. And it often feel futile. Sure, there are not many things you can say to truly help us, but it’s okay to say no things. It’s okay to leave a meal on the doorstep and send a text to let us know it’s there (WOW, that would be AMAZING!!), it’s okay to play along and keep a drowning couple afloat with your presence. It’s the loneliest job. And we can’t run away. We can’t even step away for a minute. Because if we do, they kill each other.

We’ve all seen the effects of crappy parenting. It’s terrible and gut-wrenching and the adult zombies that didn’t choose to work on themselves and make it better are everywhere. E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. Because it takes work. I am a hard worker. A very hard worker. I take little rest or reprieve. When I rest I get behind and get upset that I’m behind and then get upset that I don’t get enough rest. The rest can never come when we need it or want it the most. We have to wait, even we shaking and about to call 911. I get upset when people or memes or books or whatever say, “This is the magical key to enjoying life to the fullest right now. Also, look how beautiful they are..”. The way I look at it, no one does it right. Those of us who try, try until we scream and are near spiritual seizing, and then keep going, are phantoms. And that sucks.

Honestly, I am a fighter. A fighter like you wouldn’t believe. I have peace in my bones and a growl in my belly. My brain, my soul… they are gasping for air. And it’s okay. It’s how it works. No one gets through this collected and totally satisfied. I fight. I fight through with abundant love and feeling like a huge idiot and screaming and apologizing and trying again like a dummy. I can feel this. We, the phantoms, don’t talk about it, because we aren’t supposed to feel this. LET US. Or go away. We need to. Don’t butterfly and rainbow all over us when we are screaming, scream too. Then make spaghetti and cookies quietly so no one gets injured. God knows, we need a village, a village so giving, so thoughtful that it becomes common place and that’s just what we all do for each other. I’ll keep on working, forgiving, loving, admiring, washing, dreaming and all the things, including, probably, wanting more out of it all….

But for right now, I’m pissed.

And I’m not apologizing for that.