Storm

You cannot know the difficulties until you have one of your own. But here I am, alone, for maybe the third time since her birth, and it is pouring outside, for maybe the second time since her birth. The trees are going wild, nearly bending in half. The rain is coming down hard and it’s nearly horizontal. It’s getting loud out there. My windows are wide open and I am actually laughing with happiness.  The sky looks outrageous, absolutely, fantastically beautiful—the deep, deep grays, the billowing, heavy clouds, the bright, uneven, streaking sparks. I am actually in awe, actually shocked. Intimidated and calmed and overcome in my situational anger. It’s gone, and I feel ridiculous for having ever have taken myself so seriously enough to be that upset over nothing but my own humanness. I’ve been dizzy all day. Dizzy with anxiety and anger. It was worthless and undoing. But, just a few minutes after he left, with the baby, when the sky was clear and blue, and I knew I’d finally get some extraordinarily overdue time alone, he sent me a message that said “look outside”. I went downstairs. And, arms free, distraction free, I remembered how small I am, how free I am. How there is so much more out there. So many others, so many other deserts that need rain. How easy it is to forget that I am not the only one. I am not in the only desert. I have to write. I have to write when I am overwhelmed with good. I don’t know what else to do. I play my Radiohead station on Pandora and breath and write and watch and the flashes of lightning, the smell of the rain, the movement of the trees, all the noise of this storm make everything perfect. They clear the sky, wet the soil, test the strength of the things on the ground. And a song by Modest Mouse comes on my station. It’s called Dramamine. And I laugh. Because this, this right here, is Dramamine. I’m settled and grounded and leveled and calm and just happy. Just so, so happy.

Calmer mon âme mon Seigneur, diriger mes yeux. Donner la direction à mon esprit. Je suis le vôtre. Je me rends.

Dramamine

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