"People assume that a person who acts happy must feel happy, but although it's in the very nature of happiness to seem effortless and spontaneous, it often takes great skill.
It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.
It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.
Acting happy and, even more, being happy is challenging. Furthermore—and it took me a long time to accept this perverse fact—many people don't want to be happy or at least don't want to seem happy (and if they act as if they're not happy, they're not going to feel happy).
Happiness, some people think, isn't a worthy goal; it's a trivial American preoccupation, the product of too much money and too much television. They think that being happy shows a lack of values, and that being unhappy is a sign of depth.
At a party, a guy said to me, 'Everyone's too worried about being fulfilled, they're so self-indulgent. It's there in the Declaration of Independence, and people think they should be happy. Happiness isn't the point.'
'Well', I said, 'now that our country has achieved a certain standard of prosperity, people set their goals on higher things. Isn't it admirable that people want to be happy? If happiness isn't the point, what is?'
'Working for goals like social justice, peace, or the environment is more important than happiness.'
'But, I ventured, 'You think it's important to help other people, to work for the benefit of others, and of course it is—but why? Why worry about children living in poverty or malaria in Africa unless, at bottom, it's because you want people to be healthy, safe, and prosperous—and therefore happy? If their happiness matters, doesn't yours? Studies show that happier people are more likely to help other people. They're more interested in social problems. They do more volunteer work and contribute more to charity. Plus, as you'd expect, they're less preoccupied with their personal problems.'
Refusing to be happy because someone else is unhappy, though, is a bit like cleaning your plate because babies are starving in India. Your unhappiness isn't making anyone else happier—in fact, quite the opposite, given the fact that happier people are more likely to act altruistically.
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.
Some people associate happiness with the lack of intellectual rigor, like the man who said to Samuel Johnson, ‘You are a philosopher, Dr. Johnson. I have tried too in my time to be a philosopher; but I don’t know how, cheerfulness was always breaking in.’ Creativity, authenticity, or discernment, some folks argue, is incompatible with the bourgeois complacency of happiness. But although somber, pessimistic people might seem smarter, research shows that happiness and intelligence are essentially unrelated.
Of course, it’s cooler not to be too happy. There’s a goofiness to happiness, an innocence, a readiness to be pleased. Zest and enthusiasm take energy, humility, and engagement; taking refuge in irony, exercising destructive criticism, or assuming an air of philosophical ennui is less taxing. Also, irony and world-weariness allow people a level of detachment from their choices: fast food, a country club membership, a gas-guzzling SUV, reality TV.
Other people cultivate unhappiness as a way to control others. They cling to unhappiness because without it they’d forgo the special consideration that unhappiness secures: the claim to pity and attention.
The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It’s more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit.
There’s yet another group of people who have a superstitious dread of admitting to happiness, for fear of tempting fate. Apparently, this is practically a universal human instinct and seen in nearly all cultures –the dread of invoking cosmic anger by calling attention to good fortune. By directing attention at my happiness, was I somehow putting it at risk?
There’s the related superstition that if you anticipate trouble and tragedy, you’ll somehow forestall it. Fear and worry can be useful, because thinking about unpleasant consequences can prompt prudent actions, such as wearing a seatbelt or exercising. But for many people, fear of what might happen is a source of great unhappiness—yet they feel there’s a propitiatory virtue in fretting.
Last, some people are unhappy because they won’t take the trouble to be happy. Happiness takes energy and discipline. It is easy to be heavy, etc. People who are stuck in an unhappy state are pitiable; surely they feel trapped, with no sense of having a choice in how they feel. Although their unhappiness is a drag on those around them—emotional contagion, unfortunately, operates more powerfully for negative emotions than for positive emotions—they suffer, too."
***Taken from "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin
